Did I Ever Tell You About The Time My P%#sy Caught On Fire?

Now that is one hell of a way to start a conversation don't you think? When my sons were younger I finally agreed to take in pets. The first two pets they got were two kittens. Well, it started as one and somehow, a week later, there was another. Velcro and Sam.
Once I bought my first home and we were settled, I knew that maybe it was time to start looking for a dog. As luck would have it, I was dropping the boys off at the daycare center and there was this cute little homeless puppy. I knew if I didn't rescue it, it would end up at the shelter. I took it home. We named her Annie. Annie was a very, very bad decision. (One of many).
After awhile, once we realized that Annie should really be taking high doses of medication, we found out that she enjoyed terrorizing Velcro and Sam. She would chase them all through the house. Up and down the hallways, down the basement, into the bedrooms, wherever they would run, she would run. It was torture not only for the cats, but for us humans.
One evening after getting home from work, I started to put something together for the boys for dinner. As I was standing in the hallway, rummaging through my cupboard, I heard the usually sounds of cat and dog running. Tonight it was Sam's turn to be the one that Annie had in her sights. What I didn't see, at least at first, was where Sam was headed.
As I continued to rummage through my cupboard, out of the corner of my eye, I see Sam land, where else, on top of my gas stove. Unfortunately, when he landed, his paw passed by the handle of the gas pilot switch for the burner that he happened to be sitting on. As my head turned I heard the "click, click, click" of my gas burner. It was as if time stood still.....me looking at Sam, Sam looking at me, neither of us knowing what to do, both frozen with the knowing of what was about to happen. Before I had time to come to my senses POOF! The gas burner goes on, the flame goes up, and Sam is immediately caught in a small flame. You had to wonder, did he have to make a decision at that moment-"Do I burn to death, or face that stupid dog and jump off this thing".
When the flame went up his eyes got HUGE (he is still staring at me at this point) realizes that he is now on fire and, as fast as I have seen anyone or anything move, bolted for the basement. You know, by this time, I have begun to scream "the cat is on fire, OMG the cat is on fire"!
As he ran past me, all I could smell was burning hair and all I could see was smoke. I will say that I was in shock for a second or two. I just stood there.
It took a minute, but I did pull it together. I ran downstairs to find Sam licking his belly. Believe it or not, he had no damage. It did take a day or two to get the smell of the house.
Since I am always thrilled by a great story to tell, I couldn't wait to make my first phone call. And how did that conversation start? "Hey, guess what? My p$#%sy just caught on fire!" I told that story for months and months. It was like a little gift from god.

Things That Scare Me #7

My 3 year old niece-'nough said.

Things That Scare Me #6

I have always hated mice. They totally freak me out. I think anything that scurries is creepy. One night, I was sitting in my living room watching some lame reality show (my passion) and I decided to go into the kitchen. I walked out of the living room just as my cat, LeRoy, was walking in through the doggie door. He immediately dropped a small dark creature onto my floor. It took me a minute to realize that this was a mouse. As we both made eye contact, I started to scream, which then made the mouse run, straight for my kitchen! My dog, George, loves little creatures. He is very nurturing and thinks all these things that LeRoy kills, he can somehow bring back to life. He follows the mouse and picks it up and begins to carry it, not outside, but to my bedroom. I am now on the verge of a complete meltdown. Do I sleep somewhere else for the night, do I get a hotel room? I slowly walk into my bedroom to see the little mouse on my bed with George laying next to it. The mouse is on it's back making it look as though it is dead. I decide to watch over this thing, because I always believe dead creatures come back to life in your hands, so I sit in my recliner in my bedroom. Of course, I had to turn the TV on since I wasn't sure how long this could last. I would look at the TV then look at the mouse, look at the TV look at the mouse. The fourth time I turned my head to look at the mouse it was no longer on its back, it was on all fours. As though a miracle had occurred, this mouse started shaking its head and came back to life. OMG! What the hell do I do now! It started to crawl down my bed. Hotel for sure! I jumped from my recliner, because my feet are NOT going to touch the floor, and across my bed. Once I make a visual on the object, I leap across the floor to my bathroom and grab the garbage can. I dump all out of the garbage and slam that can on top of the mouse. I then start screaming for my son for assistance. Of course, being 18, he is extremely annoyed at my request and suggests I get it together. We drag the garbage can across the floor to a paper towel. The little disgusting creature is then immediately flung out the door (by my son as I was still trying to breathe).

Things That Scare Me #5

Now, I live in the country. That means, no cable-only satellite, no city water-only well, so understandably there are creatures all around. I hear coyotes at night, I see raccoons all the time. But these damn things just freak me out. I don't know if it is the fact that they look like a rat, that they move extremely slow like they are giving you the F-You or what.
Last year, we were cleaning out our shed in the back of the house. This shed has a little entrance for the cats that wonder around. They have a place to keep warm in the winter, cool in the summer and dry when it rains. The whole is small enough that no other creatures should be able to enter. I keep no cat food, etc in this shed for that reason. Well, we were in the shed. On one of the shelves was this huge mound of leaves. I have a crazed cat (Velcro) who loves to collect leaves and bring them into the house. We haven't quite figured what this is about. Well, there is this pile of leaves and I am laughing thinking that crazy cat has been gathering leaves all fall and is putting them on this shelf. He is really going to be upset with me when I sweep them out. As I was brushing off the leaves onto the floor I felt fur. Just then this baby opossum fell to the floor stunned by the light of day. I immediately started screaming BLOODY FREAKIN murder. With all the strength I had, I grabbed my husband by the shoulders and pulled him in front of me so that he was my barrier between me and this horrible creature. I could not stop screaming. My husband kept saying "let go of me so I can get it outta here" and I kept screaming "I can't let go, I can't let go"! I walked to the outside of the shed still clinging to his shoulders and screaming. When I got outside, I realized the new neighbors were sitting at the end of their driveway. These people didn't even move. My husband could have been murdering me in that shed and they would have just carried on with their conversation. I knew I wouldn't like these people when they moved in. I could not get the feeling of that fur off my hands for anything. I had the total heebie jeebies. Horrible little rodents.

Things That Scare Me #4

Now I realize that this seems a little extreme. It isn't all toilets that scare me (well, maybe if they looked like this one) only public toilets. It seems that people who use the restrooms in public places, especially Wal-Mart, believe that it is okay to NOT flush. I refuse to go to the bathroom on top of someone else's. #1 doesn't totally freak me out. I may reach over and flush, with a towel or something covering my hand. But, the deuce gets me every time. What is it with these people. Are they in that big of a hurry that they can't take the millisecond to reach over and flush? The specials will still be there kids! Do they think it is automatic? Even so, don't you always wait to see if it still flushes. Since this seems to happen to me at least 99.9% of the time that I go into a bathroom at Wal-Mart, I am beginning to feel as though someone is leaving me their calling card. What could this mean?

Things That Scare Me #3

Here is another fun story from my sick childhood. For the first 11 years of my life, I was the youngest. I had three older brothers. It was a young girls worst nightmare. I was tortured beyond belief. One of their fun little games, Monkey Man. One of them would put on a mask similar to this one (left) and sneak up on me. They would never run after me, that might have actually made it better. They would walk very, very slow, and get as close to my face as they could. Sometimes at night, when no one else is home, I feel the Monkey Man watching me. Man, just gives me the creeps thinking about it........

Things That Scare Me #2

Here is another fun story from mom. My mother has a huge scar on her knee cap. Why? She was running home from school with one of these things (left) and fell. The pointy end of the umbrella jammed right into her knee cap. I choose to wear jackets with hoods. I also do not like the metal clippy things as I know I am going to pinch my fingers. For years, if I dared to use an umbrella, I would have to enlist others to close it for me. Strange?